Toy All Your Thing on Me, Baby

"PopoZao" makes me want to die.

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Screw linking. You can use Google. I'm a little incapacitated by the screwdriver I just shoved into my left eye.

We Had Two: Jessica and Ashley

I have this secret theory that the coolest kid in your fourth-grade class was actually that girl who was unabashedly obsessed with horses. Horses, cats, pandas, whatever it was...you know her. She was the only one of you who was completely comfortable with her greatest passion, and she didn't give a damn whether or not you liked it too. She didn't care what you thought; she didn't care if it was dorky to adore horses that much. She loved what she loved, and she was the only one cool enough to admit it.

The Amazing Technological Advance I Call the Icebox

Yesterday Cody freaked out at me for leaving Eggos in the freezer for six weeks. He says I'm disgusting and that they'll spoil and get freezerburn.

I said, "Um, dude, they're frozen. And Eggos don't spoil. And it's only been six weeks. And 'freezerburn' on Eggos amounts to a little chunk of frost that falls off as soon as you take the Eggo out of the bag. And you're a moron." Okay, I actually didn't say anything; I pretended I didn't hear him. I'm doing my best not to fly into a rage and kill him.

That was a couple of hours after he accused me and Joe of eating all his hamburger buns. I suppose we did that simply because we're evil; it's not like Joe bought the hamburger buns on the counter. Cody flipped out on us, telling us we know we can't eat his food. "We didn't," of course, wasn't a sufficient explanation. Apparently, it also didn't warrant an apology when he found his hamburger buns in the deep freeze.

We have this food war all the time. Keep in mind that Joe and I fed Cody for two weeks when they first got the house. That was the amount of time it took for Cody to get off his ass and shop for himself. His first warning, of course, was that we'd better not eat any of his food.

He also does weird things like keep one of the glasses in his room because it's "his" glass. Never mind that I bought it. No one else is allowed to use it. He also does annoying things like keep the rest of our dishes in his room because he's a lazy son of a bitch and can't put them in the sink like a normal person. That's usually just before he comes out and yells at me and Joe about how we're so stupid for not using paper plates because "it's so much easier."

He went on the paper plate tirade again yesterday (he does it about twice a week); I pointed out that 60% of the dirty dishes were ones that he used. After being yelled at for ten minutes, I then told him he was a lazy piece of shit and should do the dishes. (He has done them exactly three times--including last night--in the two months he and Joe have lived together. He has not cleaned once. One of Joe's buddies from high school stayed over when he needed a place to crash in Brookings; when we got home from work that night, the house was spotless. That guy did more in six waking hours than Cody has done in eight weeks.) At any rate, Cody finally did the dishes with much clattering and banging (and one broken glass), but refused to put them away.

One time, Cody drank half a gallon of milk that I bought, and I didn't say a word. The next day, he bought a half-gallon of milk and wrote "C"'s all over it, with CODY'S MILK written in the middle. When Cody went to work, Joe solemnly picked up a permanent marker and added AND JOE'S SEMEN.

I am a little worried about Joseph's personal habits.

I Can't Believe I Devoted Time to This

So...last night, I watched the last half of Terminator 2: Judgment Day with El Boyfriend-o and his Idiot Roommate, Cody. Cody and I then had a huge argument about the space-time continuum.

Now, I've never seen the first half of T2, but Cody tells me that the plot is something like this: Annoying Child Actor (using the term "acting" very loosely here, folks) grows up to be Badass General who leads the Anti-Terminator Revolution. All the Terminators then have a Super Awesome Idea: send Jelly Terminator back in time to kill Annoying Child Actor so that the future Terminator Society doesn't have to deal with Badass General. Now, I'm all for killing Annoying Child Actor, but, as I attempted to explain to Cody, the logic is flawed. Jelly Terminator cannot kill Annoying Child Actor without altering the space-time continuum. (Disclaimer: this all assumes linear time, of course.)

1) Badass General is a pain.
2) Jelly Terminator goes back in time.
3) Jelly Terminator kills Annoying Child Actor.
4) Annoying Child Actor never grows up to be Badass General.
5) Badass General doesn't exist, so there's no reason to go back in time to kill Annoying Child Actor.
6) Therefore, Annoying Child Actor is never killed by Jelly Terminator.
7) Since Annoying Child Actor is all not dead and stuff, he grows up to be Badass General.
8) World ends, assuming that time can't simply repeat in a ceaseless loop.

I outlined this issue, and Cody immediately attacked it, saying it didn't make sense, and something about how if Annoying Child Actor was killed, the Hot Action Mom would become the Badass General and time travel would be necessary. I pointed out that, if Hot Action Mom was the Badass General, the Jelly Terminator would go back in time and kill her, not the kid. This could go on forever and ever until the Jelly Terminator had killed every would-be Badass General except Edna Mae, the 97-Year-Old Flaming Queer Drag Queen, who, presumably, would be easy enough to kill during the present-day and wouldn't require time travel.

Besides, his explanation completely flies in the face of Occam's Razor...we can't just assume that Hot Action Mom would fulfill Annoying Child Actor's destiny. Cody vehemently disagreed with this, because, according to him, I am Wrong, simply because I am Wrong, and Who Cares Because I Am Wrong.

So, yes, I'm overanalytical, but Cody's a douchebag, so I Win.

Let's Try This Again (An Apology)

Life updates:

1) Joe and I are still dating. We just celebrated a year.

2) Joseph recently moved out of his parents' house (due to their ridiculously dramatic personal problems...maybe he'll let me tell you someday) and into a trailer. He's got the Roommate from Hell, the kind of kid who refuses to ever wash a dish or pick up the shit he leaves in the living room, who eats the food Joe buys but then writes "CODY'S" all over the milk his mom buys for him, and who comes home stumbling drunk at least once a week. As in "I lost my keys, so trying to break down the front door with my shoulder until I fall over and pass out on the deck" drunk. Needless to say, I hate Cody.

3) I quit Corporate Pizza Joint. It was awesome. I got pissed off one day, figured, "screw this," and put in my resignation. I was offered a promotion to management, a raise, everything, but I still quit. My ex-boss is so desperate to get me back that she put me on leave instead of terminating my employment. Just the other day, she offered me Kids' Night (I used to be the coordinator, and it was the only thing keeping me there by the end), no strings attached. I think I'll take her up on it.

4) I started at Perkins, which, for my coastal friends, is a Midwestern "Family Restaurant and Bakery." Essentially an overpriced "homestyle cooking" joint. I make crazy money.

5) Semester 1 down, all A's. Semester 2 looks kind of hellish, so we soon shall see.

6) Part of the reason I haven't been posting is because of so-called "personal issues." Basically, I got stressed and lost my sense of humor. I'm a worrier, and I take things too seriously, and all that kind of thing. I think I feel better now. I'm trying to regain the sheer joy of life that I remember when I read my archives here.

In other news, I may start a new blog (one that's specifically about waiting tables). We'll see, and I'll let you know.