A Public Service Announcement (With Guitar)

Stolen from Dooey.

Also, I don't believe in cuts. I don't post enough as it is; the last thing I want to do is make the front page shorter. Or something like that. It could be that I'm just lazy. Typing out a link takes the wind out of me. Shut up.

My comments (everyone loves an editorial) are italicized. God, I hate HTML.

[ ] I’ve run away from home.
[X] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[X] I shut others out when I’m sad.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[X] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[X] I own an I-Pod.
[X] I own something from Hot Topic.
[X] I love Disney movies. I cry during the mother song in Dumbo every time.
[X] I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
[X] I don’t kill bugs. I feel bad even when Louise, my Venus flytrap, catches something.
[X] I curse regularly. I'm sorry, "Jesusfucker" is just a great word.
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ringtone.
[ ] I have “x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam.
[X] I bake well. Snickerdoodles are my specialty.
[X] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie
[X] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[X] I am in love with someone. Being in love is totally punk rock.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I am self conscious.
[X] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[X] I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[X] I have many scars.
[X] I’ve been out of this country.
[X] I believe in ghosts. I'll swear up and down that my house is haunted.
[ ] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[X] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see/have seen a therapist.
[X] I love chocolate.
[X] I bite my nails.
[ ] I am comfortable with being me.
[X] I play computer games/video games when i’m bored. I fucking love The Sims. And lately, I've been all nostalgic and have gone on a Pokemon kick.
[ ] Gotten lost in your city.
[X] Saw a shooting star.
[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[X] I have kissed a stranger. A little girl named Gracie gave me a kiss-on-the-lips goodbye once.
[X] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a fight with the same sex.
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[X] Swore at your parents.
[X] Kicked a guy where it hurts. Accidentally. My boyfriend has taken a knee or two in his time.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[X] Broken a bone.
[ ] Played spin the bottle.
[ ] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. They say it's damn near impossible to do without throwing up.
[X] Bitten someone. There's a running joke at Corporate Pizza Joint about this one. My gay manager is convinced that I was a biter as a child (totally not true--the biter at my day care was named James, and the lady would strap a football helmet to his head to keep us safe). I bite Joe, sometimes, out of affection.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[X] Gotten the chicken pox.
[X] Crashed into a friend’s car. I blame Jason and Alex and whoever else was in my car at the time. On the bright side, it was Alex's truck, and there was no damage.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[ ] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] Shoplifted.
[ ] Been fired.
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[X] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[X] Lied to a friend.
[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach. I was six, and my swimming lessons teacher was a hot Italian guy.
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[X] Slept with a co-worker.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[X] Saw someone dying. A cat.
[X]Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[X] Been to Canada.
[ ] Been on a plane.
[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar.
[ ] Eaten Sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[ ] Been skiing.
[ ] Been ice skating.
[X] Met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] Been to a motorcross show.
[X] Gone/Going to college.
[ ] Done hard drugs
[X] Taken painkillers. So very allergic to codeine. As you know, found that one out the hard way.
[ ] Cheated on someone else
[ ] Have a tattoo

She's Not a Kid, She's a Girl

Well, I tried to wish Dooey a happy birthday, but her comment system seems convinced that I don't possess the ability to correctly type "social74."

So, here, Dooey. Happy belated birthday.

P.S. I will update your link when it isn't 3 in the morning and when I don't have to get up at 8.

Only in Dormitories

The other night, while the Roommate had gone home for the weekend, a knock came at the door. It was 2 in the morning, so I was understandably suspicious about my late-night visitor. A glance through the peephole revealed a brawny, shaggy-haired blonde.

I opened the door, and he launched into a drunken oration. "I'm here for condolences," he whispered, "for you, I mean, condolences for you." I stared, too confused to say anything. "I read your markerboard on the door, about Helen, I mean."

He paused, cocked his head, and looked at me, Bambi-eyed. "Is it true?"

By now, I recognized the humor in the situation. "Yeah, man, she's dead."

He began to blubber. "I am so sorry! So sorry! You must be so sad! Do you need a hug?"

"That's okay, really."

"No hug? Okay, can I see where she lived?"

I opened the door a little wider and gestured toward the empty fish tank.

"Oh, poor, poor Helen. Poor...I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Allison."

"Poor Allison. No hugs for poor Allison; she's too sad for hugs." He rubbed his temple. "I'm sorry, you're tired. I need to go, to leave you here, alone, with no hugs and a dead Helen."

And just like that, he left.

I tell you, only in college.

Listen to Me Push Buttons

Fridays, 5-7 p.m.

Hey, never let it be said that I won't try something new. I firmly believe that sometimes, you've got to do things that surprise even yourself.

MURDER!

My roommate killed my fucking fish!

I caught her yesterday. She was feeding Helen. I said, "You know, I fed her already." "Yeah, I know you do, but I feed her, too."

That's the point where I should have slammed her into the wall and cracked her with a desk lamp, but I just said, "Overfeeding is the easiest way to kill a fish."

Surprise, surprise, I had to perform a burial at sea when I woke up this morning. I've never had a fish live less than a year. Helen lasted four days. I am so fucking pissed. And then, here's the kicker...when I told my roommate, she...

...LAUGHED. As in, "He he, that's too bad."

So I killed her.

I am getting a Helen II this weekend, and this time, I will very pointedly tell The Roommate, "Look, she's not 'our' fish. She's not your fish. She's my fish, bitch, and I'ma smack you upside the head every time you even look at her."

And then I'll kill her.

Lonely Girl

I hate college more than anything I possibly could have imagined.

I live with 11,000 people and I'm all alone.

My roommate's a bitch.

This isn't home; this can never be home. It's like living in a tiny little hotel room with a maid who gets pissed off every time you open the door.

I cried yesterday.

I cried today.

It has got to be better than this.