Ok, Dooey just did a big post on the evils of Fundamentalist Christians and their Jack Chick crap. I feel like doing one, too. She even mentioned the hypocrisy of the teach-love-except-towards-gay-people tactic they use. I've a story about that one.

I used to have an acquaintance--we'll call her Jamie--who was always trying to "witness" and "save" everybody. One day, she tried to pull her crap on me.

"Allison, have you been saved?"
"No, I haven't been 'saved,' and believe me, you're not going to be the one to do it."
"But don't you want to go to Heaven? All you have to do is accept Jesus as your personal savior."
"Look, Jamie--I'm Catholic."

She was immediately aghast. I swear, I could have told her that I was an unrepentant murderer of bunny rabbits and she would have been less disgusted.

"Well, Catholics can be saved, too, you know."
"Don't even try. We don't believe your crap about 'saving.' Just because you're all 'Praise the Lord!' doesn't mean you can be a self-righteous bastard and still go to Heaven."
"But don't you believe in Heaven?"
"I don't know. But if I do, I believe you get there based on actions, not blind faith. You have to be a decent person. God doesn't want you to go around annoying all hell out of everybody who doesn't walk, talk, look, and think--or really, not-think--just like you."
"The Bible says that faith alone is what gets you into Heaven."
"Yeah, well, maybe Hitler was a really good Catholic, I don't know. Doesn't mean he gets a free pass into eternal paradise and whatnot."
"But if you don't act in God's love, you haven't really accepted Jesus as your savior."

They're so frustrating. All Fundamentalist arguments are hypocritical, lack logic, and go in circles.

"Jamie...what do you think of gay people?"
"Homosexuals are deviants. God will punish them for their actions." (I'd just like to note here that Jamie's best friend was a closeted gay kid.)
"Have you been saved?"
"Of course, and I want you to be saved, too."
"How is the condemnation of a good percentage of the population 'acting in God's love'?"

She paused, and thought a second. It appeared to be something she didn't do often.

"But they're deviants, and they're going to Hell. It says in the Bible--"
"'Judge not, lest ye yourself be judged'?"
"No, in Leviticus--"
"But it says that, too, doesn't it?"
"It says so in the Bible."
"Do you believe everything the Bible says?"
"Yes. The Bible is God's word."

Mistake.

"Ok, Jamie, first off--Jesus didn't write the Bible."
"The Bible is God's divine word."
"Then perhaps you can explain to me why you don't use all of it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"It's called the Apocrypha. It's several books that are included in the Catholic Bible but are omitted from most Protestant versions."
"That doesn't sound right."
"Look it up. It is. You guys don't use the entire Bible because of the fact that the Apocrypha didn't have an existing Hebrew or Aramaic text at the time of the Reformation. Luther used the Jewish canon of the Old Testament and included the Apocrypha in a separate section. I've looked through the Bible you use, and it doesn't include the Apocrypha at all. Our Bibles are different--how can both be the whole truth?"

She's gotten squirmy.

"The Bible is true. It's God's divine word."
"You believe in Creationism?"
"Of course. Evolution can't be proven."
"And making dudes out of dirt can be? Ok, question: is incest wrong?"
"Yes."
"Would God force someone to commit incest?"
"God doesn't force anyone to do anything. People have free will."
"See, that's one of the many things that gets me about Creationism. Who did Cain have to sleep with to continue the human race?"

She frowned.

"It doesn't say that Adam and Eve were the only people God created. He could have created more."
"Yeah, but that's the weird thing. That's a pretty big leap of logic you're requiring. As I recall, Cain kills Abel, gets sent to the land of Nod, and bam! In the next sentence, he's having 'relations with his wife.' Where'd she come from, and why didn't we hear her background? I mean, the Bible's usually pretty fond of begets. Why don't we get the whole story on Mrs. Cain?"
"You can believe whatever you want, but the Bible is true."
"First and foremost: we're having this discussion because you wouldn't let me believe whatever I wanted. Secondly, is God just?"
"Of course."
"You know the story of Job? Where Satan takes all of Job's stuff and destroys his house and kills his wives and children?"
"Yes."
"You believe that? God and Satan make a bet to make some guy's life miserable?"
"It's true."
"But I thought God was just?"
"Don't you know how the story of Job ends? Job stays true to God and God rewards him."
"Yeah, well, you know what? At the end of Job, his wives and kids are still dead. If you think it's true, maybe you should explain your whole 'God is just' theory to them."

Needless to say, she didn't like me much after that.