I've been calling around in an attempt to find something to do today, and I came upon this startling discovery: I am the only teenager on the planet who doesn't drink.

It's frustrating. I'm at home and bored out of my skull. I've called a bunch of people, and they're all hungover. Everybody wants to sleep, and I am wide awake. Everybody has a headache, and I'm healthy as a horse. Everybody is bitter and cranky, and I am in a good mood.

I don't understand the appeal of drinking. I know, I know; I've never been drunk, so how could I? I just don't get it. What's the point of happiness if you have to put mind-altering substances into your body just to achieve it? What's the appeal of losing self-control? I like control and familiarity. I like my brain having a say what I'm going to do. I'm a shy person, and I don't want to lose my inhibitions and do something stupid.

Stupidity seems to be an invariable effect of booze, and that bugs me. People who are normally smart and interesting turn into interpretive-dance-obsessed zombies. Drunk people are sometimes violent, often whiny, and they only stay funny for an hour or two. The rest of the night usually turns into some big sobfest as they tearfully recall the tragic death of their great-aunt's cat Mr. Jinglewhiskers.

While I'm ranting about stupidity, let me say this: Certain Friend of Mine, I cannot believe you got yourself drunk while babysitting a two-year-old. That seems like a recipe for involuntary manslaughter or like charges. Booze and babies do not mix. That's like Bad Ideas Illustrated or something. I'm tough to shock, but that little anecdote left me reeling. I hope you realize how lucky you are that nothing happened, because that could have turned out incredibly badly. You, my friend, are a fucking moron sometimes.

I can't seem to figure out why people my age would drink. Six hours of fun, sure, but it's followed by six hours of headache and hangover. Alcohol withdrawal turns people into nasty, irritating jackasses. It bugs all hell out of me when everybody's surly on Mondays. I can understand "Christ-it's-Monday" surliness, but "I-have-a-headache" surliness bothers me. It's your own damn fault. Don't take your idiocy out on the rest of the world.

I'm not a teetotaler or a temperance-preaching feminist by any means. I don't have a problem with other people drinking. I don't want to do it, but if you want to, it's absolutely your prerogative. However, if you're going to drink, remember the rules: 1. If you get caught by the cops, don't whine about the injustice of it--you knew it was illegal, 2. I don't care about your fucking hangover (it's your own damn fault), and 3. stories that start with "Ok, so we got so wasted" aren't really funny for people who weren't there.

That's all I want to say. Go ahead, get drunk, but just remember that I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for myself, dammit, because I don't have anybody to hang out with on Sundays. I guess a little alone time never hurt anybody. Grr.

Disclaimer: I absolutely do not mean to be preachy. If that's how this comes off, then I didn't do a very good job of writing it. All I'm saying is that your hangover is not my problem. I personally don't understand alcoholic appeal, but hey. You do what you do, and it's ok.