He loved Big Brother.

Do you know what terrifies me? The USA Patriot Act.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a member of the ACLU (they scare me, too). I'm a good little American, more or less. I eat my vegetables, sing my national anthem, and hate those Communists. I'm not in favor of downsizing the government. Yay America. But, and this is a big 'but,' John Ashcroft and his legislative pet absolutely horrify me.

I can only think of one word that truly describes the Patriot Act: Orwellian. Positively Orwellian. It's such a terrifying piece of legislation; it boggles my mind to understand how readily it was passed post-9/11.

The act is supposed to be good for the American people. Ashcroft would have us believe that it's the only way to root out the terrorists among us. If not for the Patriot Act, we quite possibly could have maybe perhaps you know had another million or dozen or one September 11! The act's official website tells us, "The government’s success in preventing another catastrophic attack on the American homeland since September 11, 2001, would have been much more difficult, if not impossible, without the USA Patriot Act." Nothing like an unprovable argument.

The great thing about the act, though, is this: 91% of Americans polled said that it had no effect on their personal liberties. Now, tell me that's not a fantastic statistic for Mr. Ashcroft to pull out and wave in the face of his detractors. The catch? The Patriot Act provides for itself here. Even if it did affect your liberties, the idea behind the act is that there's no way you could know. Has the government been looking at your library records? Guess what? Under the Patriot Act, the library can't tell you!

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but that seems to be a great way to make it easy for the government to abuse its privileges (especially the ones that the act provides). To boil a complex issue into six-year-old-speak, "We can look at your stuff and you'll never know it! Nyah nyah nyah!" Thanks, U.S. government. That makes me feel um...safer?

I could list a million or a dozen or one reason(s) why the Patriot Act is terrifying, but hey, I'm unqualified, and more importantly, I'm lazy. I'm going to let some other sites do the work for me.

• Preserving Life and Liberty: In the interest of fair press, I'll post the act's website first. As for the title, way to make your opposition look like dirty godless Nazi-Fascist-Communist Constitution-haters.


• ACLU Rebuttal: Now I've got to let the ACLU fire back. Here's their response to the "Dispelling Myths" section of Life and Liberty.


• Know Your Rights: MSN provides an in-depth analysis of exactly why we should be afraid, be very afraid.


• Avoiding the PATRIOT ACT Since 2001: If you piss off librarians, they will make signs about your laws.

Please understand that this is all in good fun. Sure, it may be a little late, but I felt like ranting about this. If you're still bothered, you could always send me hate mail. That would be cool.

I do have one suggestion for anyone who agrees with me. Head down to your local library today and pick up a copy of 1984. Not only will you look all deep and anarchist and intellectual in front of your friends, you'll be subtly protesting the government's doings. In fact, let's all go down to the library and check out all their copies of 1984. It would be like a flash mob. A cheesy, law-protesting mob that had nothing better to do but to check out books en masse.

Do it. All the cool kids check out 60-year-old novels in a lame attempt to protest creepy-ass legislation without actually having to make signs and march and stuff. Come now, let's protest the Patriot Act two years too late. Cool kids good, USA Patriot Act baaaaaad.