As I was saying before, I've decided to write a soap opera. It's called Sex, Love, and Lightbulb-Licking. Here are some of the characters:
- Jody: obsessive-compulsive; nymphomaniac (aren't all soap characters?); "looking for love in all the wrong places;" has a bizarre tendency to lick exposed lightbulbs
- Thor: Jody's brother, expert spelunker (can you guess where this one's heading?); has an illegitimate two-year-old son, Marvin, with a hillbilly woman named Betsy May; currently trapped in a cave after an avalanche; must use cave lizards for sustenance
- Joyce: Thor's secret lover, a suicidal Scientologist
- Esmerelda: Joyce's formerly-conjoined twin; afflicted with elbow cancer; Amish
- Dorcas: The Evil Blonde One; does whatever evil soap characters do
- Horatio: Dorcas' boss at the surveyors' company, Plotlines, Inc. (hahahaHA!); secretly gay
- Jesus: orphaned Mexican just-barely-18-year-old, janitor at Plotlines, Inc.; having affairs with both Esmerelda and Horatio
Their eventual Season 1 fates:
-- Jody: seeks help through both Sexaholics Anonymous and Lightbulb-Lickers Anon
- Thor: escapes cave by eating his companions (the other spelunkers, not the lizards) and using their bones to, I dunno, build a ladder or something. I haven't quite decided yet. Thor later meets Marvin for the first time--did I mention that Marvin is deaf? Blind, too. Also, Marvin's a leper. Ooh, and maybe gay.
- Joyce: gets extremely depressed after finding out about Marvin, flies to Greece, kills herself by jumping off the top of the Parthenon. The Parthenon's not so high, so she might have lived if she hadn't happened to fall on some spikes.
- Esmerelda: has a near-death experience during her hospital stay for the elbow cancer. Miraculously, the cancer goes into remission just as Esmerelda is overcome with grief after news of her sister's death. She gets kicked out of the commune for watching Jerry Springer, so she moves to the suburbs, becomes a stripper, and accepts Jesus' marriage proposal.
- Dorcas: is Evil
- Horatio: considers renaming company, gets dumped by Jesus, has lots of Big Gay Affairs
- Jesus: becomes a translator for the CIA (he knows Farsi, coincidentally), dumps Horatio, forgets the whole gay thing, proposes to Esmerelda, develops a Purpose in Life.
It's going to be a hit, I can just feel it.
- Jody: obsessive-compulsive; nymphomaniac (aren't all soap characters?); "looking for love in all the wrong places;" has a bizarre tendency to lick exposed lightbulbs
- Thor: Jody's brother, expert spelunker (can you guess where this one's heading?); has an illegitimate two-year-old son, Marvin, with a hillbilly woman named Betsy May; currently trapped in a cave after an avalanche; must use cave lizards for sustenance
- Joyce: Thor's secret lover, a suicidal Scientologist
- Esmerelda: Joyce's formerly-conjoined twin; afflicted with elbow cancer; Amish
- Dorcas: The Evil Blonde One; does whatever evil soap characters do
- Horatio: Dorcas' boss at the surveyors' company, Plotlines, Inc. (hahahaHA!); secretly gay
- Jesus: orphaned Mexican just-barely-18-year-old, janitor at Plotlines, Inc.; having affairs with both Esmerelda and Horatio
Their eventual Season 1 fates:
-- Jody: seeks help through both Sexaholics Anonymous and Lightbulb-Lickers Anon
- Thor: escapes cave by eating his companions (the other spelunkers, not the lizards) and using their bones to, I dunno, build a ladder or something. I haven't quite decided yet. Thor later meets Marvin for the first time--did I mention that Marvin is deaf? Blind, too. Also, Marvin's a leper. Ooh, and maybe gay.
- Joyce: gets extremely depressed after finding out about Marvin, flies to Greece, kills herself by jumping off the top of the Parthenon. The Parthenon's not so high, so she might have lived if she hadn't happened to fall on some spikes.
- Esmerelda: has a near-death experience during her hospital stay for the elbow cancer. Miraculously, the cancer goes into remission just as Esmerelda is overcome with grief after news of her sister's death. She gets kicked out of the commune for watching Jerry Springer, so she moves to the suburbs, becomes a stripper, and accepts Jesus' marriage proposal.
- Dorcas: is Evil
- Horatio: considers renaming company, gets dumped by Jesus, has lots of Big Gay Affairs
- Jesus: becomes a translator for the CIA (he knows Farsi, coincidentally), dumps Horatio, forgets the whole gay thing, proposes to Esmerelda, develops a Purpose in Life.
It's going to be a hit, I can just feel it.
posted by Allison at
4:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home