Waits Don't Make Minimum Without You

Joe and I were discussing the Server's Nightmare: getting stiffed.

It never happens to him. He's been working at Corporate Pizza Joint for a year now, and he faces the dreaded empty tabletop once a month, maximum. He's a great waiter, no doubt about that, with an easy demeanor, a wicked sense of humor, and a stack of comment cards other wait-staff would kill for (and trust me, even people who aren't his girlfriend would cop to that).

I can't really compete with Joe; I lack the natural charm. I do all right, though. I broke the $50 mark months before he did ($50 in one night, that is--took him till Christmas Eve). I get some crazy-good comment cards, especially when my favorite manager is working. I consistently make tips in the $4-5 range. I'll never outdo my dear boyfriend, but I hold my own.

Lately, though, we've both been noticing the same thing: tips are at extremes. Post-Christmas, the trend has very much been either a buck or fivers. I myself have had a disproportionately huge number of $6 tips, which earn you extra points in Server World, as it indicates that the customer liked you enough to fish out the extra dollar.

Unfortunately, I've also been taking the brunt of the stiffs.

There's nothing worse when you're wait. Going back to bus that table and realizing that all your sweetness and wit was for naught--it pisses you off. Glancing at the credit card receipt and sighing at the blank "Tip:" row isn't fun. Joe gets stiffed about once a month. I get it about once a week.

I fucking hate teenaged girls. I explained this to my coworkers very simply: 75% of my stiffs come from teen girls. Most teen girls tip, but the proportion is far lower in that demographic than any other. I'd guess that about 1 in 4 of teen girls don't tip me. Tonight I got stiffed twice (twice!), and both times, teen girls were the culprits.

One of the cooks mused that they're "girls whose parents pay for college, girls who don't know what it is to need a job."

Joe, however, seemed dumbfounded by my confusion, declaring, "You're competition."

"What?"

"Come on. You're competition. Teenage girls don't tip pretty teenage girls, especially if they're in groups that include teenage guys." (Those who noted the "pretty," say it with me: Aww. Fucking brownnoser. Eh, I suppose he is talking to his girlfriend.)

I pondered. "So do teenage guys stiff you?"

"Oh, yeah," he admitted. "Teenage guys never tip me." He paused. "When they're with guys. The nice thing, though, is that teenage guys don't tend to go to Corporate Pizza Joint. They eat cheaper. Teenage guys only come to Corporate Pizza Joint if they're on dates, and then they tip to impress."

"That's true."

"Yeah, it's the whole 'I can take care of them, so clearly, I can take care of you' complex. Very animalistic. If I was eating somewhere with you, I'd tip better than if I were alone."

I agreed that I would do the same. His point on teen guys not coming to the Joint was quite valid, as well; it's very much a girls-required establishment for the college/high school crowd.

Here's the catch, though, waitresses: guys on dates don't tip us better. A generous tip to a girl who chattered in their general direction might be misconstrued by their insecure girlfriends, and so waitresses get screwed over yet again.

Waiters, go die.