Licklicklick

Yesterday was Day 7 of the Mystery Illness, and I finally went to the doctor. My old doctor retired, so I told them I didn't care who they gave me. Anyway, they assigned me a doctor--we'll call him Dr. Kangaroo. He seemed very nice, but this is roughly what my doctor visit looked like:

Allison: Hi, I've got all the symptoms of mono.
Dr. Kangaroo: Hm. So you're sick, you say?
Allison: Oh, also, my mother had mono last month.
Dr. Kangaroo: No, she didn't.
Allison: Yes, she did.
Dr. Kangaroo: No, adults don't get mono. College kids don't get it either. Only teenagers get mono.
Allison: Um, she had the bloodwork done. She had mono. Also, mono is going around campus with a vengeance.
Dr. Kangaroo: Nah, you're just sick.
Allison: Maybe I should at least get the bloodwork? I've been sick for seven days with the same symptoms my mother had.
Dr. Kangaroo: Nah. You have "that viral thing that's going around." Not that I can tell, since my entire diagnostic criteria seems to be sticking a flashlight in your ears.
Allison: Um, am I paying for this? Maybe you should check my throat for white patches. Or maybe you should at least ask about my symptoms.
Dr. Kangaroo: No, no. How about I poke you in the stomach for while? Here, does this hurt? Jab.
Allison: Yes.
Dr. Kangaroo: This? Jab.
Allison: Yes.
Dr. Kangaroo: And this? Jab.
Allison: Yes. You poking me in the stomach hurts.
Dr. Kangaroo: Hm. Must be gastrointestinal.
Allison: What? I don't have gastrointestinal symptoms.
Dr. Kangaroo: You've had some vomiting, yes?
Allison: No.
Dr. Kangaroo: Diarrhea?
Allison: No.
Dr. Kangaroo: Oh. Well, you will. As for my diagnosis: you're sick.
Allison: No shit.
Dr. Kangaroo: Tell you what--if you're still sick in ten days, come back and see me.
Allison: Oh, of course, I mean, once I've been sick for SEVENTEEN days, it might be a good idea to see a doctor then.

And then I kicked him in the balls for the sheer satisfaction of it. I mean, my ninety bucks had to buy me something, didn't it?