I like irony (perhaps a bit too much). I enjoy wearing odd things for the humor that's in it. I listen to obscure music. And so the question becomes: am I a hipster?

It was only recently that someone asked me this. I’ve never really thought about it, but the more I do, the more confused I get. I do engage in a lot of activities that some might consider hipsterish, but I despise the idea of consciously being so. I don’t make an attempt at being cool. I’m not cool. There are certain things I like, but I do/have/use them because I like them, not because they’re considered cool by the masses.

I present to you my analysis, in a handy-dandy list format.

Arguments for the idea that YES, I am a hipster:

• I own a pair of checkered Vans. (Before you point and accuse me of unabashed hipsterity, let me tell you that they were a gift.)
  
• I’ve used the terms “neo-garage” and “post-punk” to describe bands.
  
• I like guys that wear Chuck Taylors. I don’t own a pair, but my mental checklist of “Things I Like in a Guy” has “ownership of a pair of beat-up Converse” right near the top.
  
• I carry my books in a messenger bag. I have for years, and I never have any intention of doing otherwise. It’s just more practical.
  
• I listen to Elvis Costello and Devo. I don’t know if that’s hipster or just geeky.
  
• I’m politically very liberal. I just don’t like Republicans.
  
• I own an album put out by Matador. For the record (pun intended), it’s Interpol.
  
• I’m looking only at liberal arts colleges for my applications.
  
• I don’t have a job. I quit my job at a grocery store. Occupations are passé. Why work when you can get checks for taking surveys on the Internet?
  
• Obviously, I keep an online journal. Yeah, um...kill me now.
  
• I listen to lots and lots of different kinds of music, excluding New Age, Christian rock, country, and rap metal.
  
• I own and use a twenty-year-old record player. I mostly play Clash records.
  
• I know theme songs and commercial jingles that date back to long before I was born. In my defense, my father used to sing them when they’d get stuck in his head.
  
• I avoid haircuts like the plague. I get one every year. I’ve also cut my own hair.

Arguments for the idea that NO, I am not a hipster:

• I live in small-town South Dakota.
  
• I use grossly outdated slang, and I like it.
  
• I teach CCD on Wednesday nights.
  
• I have never and would never wear a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.
  
• I hate people who try to wear trucker hats ironically. You’re not clever, you’re not edgy. People in South Dakota have been wearing them for years, both ironically and not so. Who do New Yorkers think they’re kidding?
  
• I also don’t think you’re allowed to wear newsboy caps unless you sold newspapers in 1912.
  
• Facial hair has never been, is not, and never will be cool. I will not budge from this position.
  
• I don’t like Guided by Voices.
  
• I’ve never been to NYC.

Arguments for the idea that WELL, I’m kind of borderline:

• I still like Weezer, but I definitely liked the blue album best.
  
• I like Interpol, but I think they’re grossly overrated.
  
• I like the Strokes. Yep. I don’t care what you say. Good music is good music. Screw the non-believers.
  
• I wear sweaters fairly often. Not totally hipster, but getting there. I also wear a fifteen-year-old “Arlington 300-Mile Club” cross-country t-shirt regularly. The key thing that makes this borderline is that I actually have a connection to the shirt.
  
• I shop at thrift-stores. Namely, Goodwill.
  
• I like guys with shaggy hair. I hate guys who are conscious of cultivating a “look.”
  
• I find Ralph Nader interesting, but firmly believe that he royally screwed up the 2000 election.
  
• I’ve been known to make references to Evil Dead and The Breakfast Club. The key? I don’t care who knows it.
  
• I can’t stand hipsters.

I'd have to conclude that I'm not a hipster (thank God). I'm not cool. I know that. I really don't think that I am one, but then, I can't really judge myself. Argh. What do you, the person who accidentally stumbled across this when you clicked the wrong link on the Blogger home page, think?