I am a moron. I truly am one of the dumbest people on earth. Want proof?

1. I have on two occasions attempted to sharpen my pinky in a pencil sharpener (the first time with a manual, the other with an electric sharpener). Why? I'm not sure; I just wanted to see if it hurt.

2. Someone asked me once if I thought the ink in their pen was poisonous. I told them I didn't know, and they gave it to me to see if I could find any small print that said it was. I didn't find anything, so I licked the pen. I walked around all day with a long blue mark on my tongue. On the bright side, I'm not dead, so I'm pretty sure the pen was nontoxic. However, my math teacher thinks I'm crazy. (I later did the same thing with a permanent marker. Permanent, my foot.)

3. When I was little, my friend Sarah and I used to put our hands on/in hot things (lightbulbs, lava lamps, candle flames) and see who could keep their hand there longest. I always won.

4. I've eaten packing peanuts on a dare. They're actually not bad. I've also eaten Play-Doh.

5. When I was about ten, I had friends who lived on a farm with electric fences. They used to dare me to touch the fence when it was on, and for some reason, I always did so quite willingly. I don't know how those things keep cows penned it; they don't hurt at all.

6. Jessie and I once went to Wal-Mart. We were hanging out in the lamp section, and one of the lamps didn't have a bulb. She commented, "I wonder if that's on." I stuck my thumb in the lightbulb socket. It was, and I got mildly shocked for my troubles. That was actually kind of a trip.

7. When I was four years old, I managed to set our toaster on fire. The smoke alarms went off and my dad had to get out the fire extinguisher. I'm still not sure how I accomplished that one.

Anyone who thinks stupidity is hazardous to your health doesn't hang out with me much. Somehow I'm doing just fine.